In honor of my recent birthday at the end of Aries season, here’s an essay about the pleasures of getting deeper into your thirties and the pernicious obsession with female abjection in cinema.
I just want to say thank you to everyone engaging with this piece with such care and curiosity. I am loving the perspectives in these comments and will be replying to people as the day goes on. The response to this has been such a delightful surprise!
I first came across you reviewing movies with the We Hate Movies guys and have followed your writing ever since and it was such a delight to read this headline, then immediately see your name under it. I'm 45 and the invisibility that comes with age is honestly the best thing about it. My 20s was about desperately seeking male validation through my sexual desirability, my 30s was about learning to validate myself for everything I am and can be while still having to deal with the men who wanted me to require their approval, and my 40s has just been the slow dropping off of those men who frankly, were infringing on my good time. Invisibility to people who feel entitled to your body, time and attention is the greatest gift that aging gives us.
Yes. Ever since I turned 30, I wanted to shake other women complaining of such a thing. This sounds harsh but I refuse to let society push me into a victimhood I never felt.
I feel like thirty was the year I really became myself. When I see my younger friends talking about turning thirty and grieving, all I can think about is how much I was learning and failing and getting back up in my twenties. Thirty was a culmination of growth for me. It was never a moment of turning back and grieving an entire decade of becoming myself.
I am 59 and glad to be here. My mother died at 50, my little sister at 52. My hair is long and gray.
I look like the grandmother I am. All the plastic surgery, hair dye and cosmetics in the world could not make me look young. I am not going to complain that I still have my life. I am not going to apologize for being here, either!
I’m with you. I’m 52 and know my children. My mother was gone at 27 and I have no living memories of her. Age is a gift I unwrap every day with delight.
I’m in my late fifties, newly divorced and loving life in my matriarchal elephant 🐘 herd that consists of me, my octogenarian mother, YA daughter and my geriatric sheepdog. I dress for myself and love how I look now that I have booted all assholes in my life to the curb. I do what I want, when I want with who I want. I miss my 20 year old knees and energy levels but honestly nothing else about being young. I am also using my privilege as a grey haired intimidating looking older woman to defend younger women against patriarchal bs. It’s amazing the stuff you can get away with saying and doing as an older woman! I encourage younger women to not wait to be their outrageous wonderful selves. ❤️
Right on! Unapologetically 68 here. When are women of any generation going to stop apologizing for their existence? For our age, body shape. weight. emotions, hormones, desires, freedom?
Honestly, the energy of young women in their 20s gives me so much hope. I feel like they know their value more than girls my age did in the 90s where we had to pretend at an apathy for life to seen cool. It seems so juvenile now, given how easy life was then without the complications of social media, and a decent economy.
At 60, I’m heavier than I’ve ever been without being pregnant and I can’t remember the last time I felt so good in my clothes. Aging is such a relief— I highly recommend it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find myself a hot pink cropped fur jacket because that sounds amazing.
The first time I was asked my age while making a medical appointment and i heard myself say "forty," I GIGGLED at the surprise of having lived that long. Me? forty something? Fucking A. It is so liberating to stop giving a fuck about the standards imposed on us.
As an elder Zoomer, my 20s have been defined by the pandemic, and the post-pandemic, and whatever we’re calling the breadbasket of ghouls currently in charge of the country. It’s not the young adulthood I or anyone in my cohort expected (further complicated by class and race and whatnot). This period of my life has felt, on the whole, rather bleak. Which means I have been on my knees hoping, praying, believing that my 30s will be a golden era. I don’t know if many women in my age bracket feel similarly. But maybe they will! And we can put the fear of time behind us for a generation.
I cannot wait to be a hot, magnetic 37-year-old with a proper wardrobe budget and a jadeite collection.
Y’all have not had it easy. I am very thankful to be my age and have the social media free upbringing due to that. Wishing you a future more beautiful and more dynamic!
I'm 53 and I honestly don't think I felt old or even imagined feeling old when I was at the tender young age of 36. I had my first baby at that age and they did call me "advanced maternal age," but that just seemed silly at the time. My second baby came along at 42, and everyone thought that was a REALLY big deal. The fact that anyone is made to feel old in their thirties is absolutely nonsensical.
It's appalling, isn't it, that even through pregnancy women are judged by their age. Here in the UK it is also classed as a geriatric pregnancy if you're over 30. I was shocked when I found out! What an awful term to use. I'm 55 and I have to say it didn't even cross my mind to think I was aging when I was in my 30's. Turning 40 made me pause, but also want to celebrate, though many felt they should commiserate with me. My forties were my best decade, free from concern, I still looked great and had accepted and embraced my faults. Turning fifty and the menopause has been tough, I've not had an easy ride, but I'm hoping things will calm as I approach sixty. I embrace the invisibility (lack of unwanted male attention is such a relief), the grey hair and wrinkles are humbling, but they are a sign I have lived. My father died when he was 53, his parents died when they were in their late 30's. I am lucky to have made it this far, and despite the aches, stiffness and waning energy, I hope to survive a few more decades yet!
Menopause Is not an easy ride. I hit it at 54 and I feel like my body is falling appart. Knees, back you name it. The invisibility is nice. It's a phenomenon that I've started to notice
I had grandparents that lived to 100 and well into their 90s. Not my parents though My dad only had a few years left when he was my age and that hits. My mom past at 74 old, but not really especially since both of her parents lived to be 99 and 100
It certainly does! I remember I was relieved when I got passed the age my dad died, but also felt sad at just how young he was and how little of life he had lived, although at least he did live it fully, without fear (I suspect that came from losing his parents at 16, in the Blitz, and nearly losing his life, too). My mother has never been confident, and always over cautious. It's often felt like the wrong parent died, that he would have made more of the time than she has. That probably sounds terrible, and I guess we all live life the best we can. I myself am torn between grabbing every opportunity, like my dad, with a side order of caution, like mum. Seems I've spent my life trying to be more like him and trying as hard as possible not to be like her, but it's amazing how much you subconsciously absorb as a child, and she was the main parent. But this is a whole other topic I've meandered into!
I've always kind of wondered if the boohoo I'm 30 comments are also a low key way of insulting older women... Anyways I didn't think I'd live past 27, I couldn't conceptualize not being absolutely miserable but it turns out the older and further away I get from my childhood the more amazing life is. It does feel strange sometimes to think that I've been alive for 43 years so far but I'm also soooo glad and I'm enjoying it immensely
73 going on 74. Life just keeps getting better and better. Not because I don't "look old" but because I am free of the belief that youth and looking young are really what makes one happy. To all the women here that are getting older...at that means YOU...do not waste your precious time trying to "preserve" your outside. Instead, I suggest living fully in each moment. There are only so many of them granted to you in this earthly life. Every day is a blessing, and every breath a miracle.
36 sounds young to me now at 41. i’ve been feeling SO mentally different than how i felt even 6 months ago. its like a different galaxy, even for someone like me who was still wilin at 37!
i’m single and never aimed for a kids-and-family lifestyle. it was around 35 when i started noticing the lack of representation of single, 30+ women in pop culture. it's almost disturbing that shows are mainly about people in their 20s and as we age we're forced to relive this part of our lives like a neverending nostalgia trap. but i refuse to be shuffled into obscurity for the comfort of the patriarchy. to hell with that noise! but just so they know, i'm a woman of color and I Feel GOOD About My Neck (lol no shade to Nora Ephron).
Your writing is always so engaging and full of life. I’m glad to see you taking on this topic. I’m 46 now and for years when I have a birthday I find that other women around me will say something like “turning 29 right?” Nah bitch, I’m 46. Let’s let ourselves age!
This is such a beautiful essay - you have such a gorgeous way with words. I’ve recently had two parents die at an early age of awful diseases, and nothing brings home what a privilege getting older and living is than seeing life snatched away from those you love.
My favorite cousin died in her early thirties more than a couple years ago at this point of an undetected heart issue and it definitely helped with my perspective on aging. Loved ones dying young is heavy and disorienting. But it does lead to hopefully a more clarifying perspective on the only life we have.
I just want to say thank you to everyone engaging with this piece with such care and curiosity. I am loving the perspectives in these comments and will be replying to people as the day goes on. The response to this has been such a delightful surprise!
I first came across you reviewing movies with the We Hate Movies guys and have followed your writing ever since and it was such a delight to read this headline, then immediately see your name under it. I'm 45 and the invisibility that comes with age is honestly the best thing about it. My 20s was about desperately seeking male validation through my sexual desirability, my 30s was about learning to validate myself for everything I am and can be while still having to deal with the men who wanted me to require their approval, and my 40s has just been the slow dropping off of those men who frankly, were infringing on my good time. Invisibility to people who feel entitled to your body, time and attention is the greatest gift that aging gives us.
Yes. Ever since I turned 30, I wanted to shake other women complaining of such a thing. This sounds harsh but I refuse to let society push me into a victimhood I never felt.
I love your last line!!! Yes, that's exactly it.
I feel like thirty was the year I really became myself. When I see my younger friends talking about turning thirty and grieving, all I can think about is how much I was learning and failing and getting back up in my twenties. Thirty was a culmination of growth for me. It was never a moment of turning back and grieving an entire decade of becoming myself.
I am so much happier in my 30s than I was in my 20s and wouldn't trade it for the world.
Your 40’s will be even better than your 30’s.
I’m excitedly looking forward to my 50’s.
I am 59 and glad to be here. My mother died at 50, my little sister at 52. My hair is long and gray.
I look like the grandmother I am. All the plastic surgery, hair dye and cosmetics in the world could not make me look young. I am not going to complain that I still have my life. I am not going to apologize for being here, either!
I’m with you. I’m 52 and know my children. My mother was gone at 27 and I have no living memories of her. Age is a gift I unwrap every day with delight.
Yes.
And my grandchildren will remember me. My daughter has some memories of my mom, but my son doesn’t.
My sister never met her one and only (so far anyway) grandchild, who was born two years after she died.
No complaints here.
I’m in my late fifties, newly divorced and loving life in my matriarchal elephant 🐘 herd that consists of me, my octogenarian mother, YA daughter and my geriatric sheepdog. I dress for myself and love how I look now that I have booted all assholes in my life to the curb. I do what I want, when I want with who I want. I miss my 20 year old knees and energy levels but honestly nothing else about being young. I am also using my privilege as a grey haired intimidating looking older woman to defend younger women against patriarchal bs. It’s amazing the stuff you can get away with saying and doing as an older woman! I encourage younger women to not wait to be their outrageous wonderful selves. ❤️
Hell yeah! I love this energy.
Right on! Unapologetically 68 here. When are women of any generation going to stop apologizing for their existence? For our age, body shape. weight. emotions, hormones, desires, freedom?
love your herd!
yes, there are a few things I miss about my younger self physically but none of the rest of it, the enslavement to what others think....buh bye!
Honestly, the energy of young women in their 20s gives me so much hope. I feel like they know their value more than girls my age did in the 90s where we had to pretend at an apathy for life to seen cool. It seems so juvenile now, given how easy life was then without the complications of social media, and a decent economy.
YES! I am so loving the resurgence of feminism with Millennials and Gen Z, after living through the Phyllis Schlafly hellscape of the 80s.
At 60, I’m heavier than I’ve ever been without being pregnant and I can’t remember the last time I felt so good in my clothes. Aging is such a relief— I highly recommend it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find myself a hot pink cropped fur jacket because that sounds amazing.
The first time I was asked my age while making a medical appointment and i heard myself say "forty," I GIGGLED at the surprise of having lived that long. Me? forty something? Fucking A. It is so liberating to stop giving a fuck about the standards imposed on us.
Thank you for this essay!
As an elder Zoomer, my 20s have been defined by the pandemic, and the post-pandemic, and whatever we’re calling the breadbasket of ghouls currently in charge of the country. It’s not the young adulthood I or anyone in my cohort expected (further complicated by class and race and whatnot). This period of my life has felt, on the whole, rather bleak. Which means I have been on my knees hoping, praying, believing that my 30s will be a golden era. I don’t know if many women in my age bracket feel similarly. But maybe they will! And we can put the fear of time behind us for a generation.
I cannot wait to be a hot, magnetic 37-year-old with a proper wardrobe budget and a jadeite collection.
Y’all have not had it easy. I am very thankful to be my age and have the social media free upbringing due to that. Wishing you a future more beautiful and more dynamic!
I screamed “yes” upon reading the title alone. Thank you.
I knew you'd totally pick up what I am laying down with this piece. I have had enough with this shit tbh!
I'm 53 and I honestly don't think I felt old or even imagined feeling old when I was at the tender young age of 36. I had my first baby at that age and they did call me "advanced maternal age," but that just seemed silly at the time. My second baby came along at 42, and everyone thought that was a REALLY big deal. The fact that anyone is made to feel old in their thirties is absolutely nonsensical.
I'm 56 now and my son is almost 18 now. I was told I had a "geriatric" pregnancy at 38! It boggled me
It's appalling, isn't it, that even through pregnancy women are judged by their age. Here in the UK it is also classed as a geriatric pregnancy if you're over 30. I was shocked when I found out! What an awful term to use. I'm 55 and I have to say it didn't even cross my mind to think I was aging when I was in my 30's. Turning 40 made me pause, but also want to celebrate, though many felt they should commiserate with me. My forties were my best decade, free from concern, I still looked great and had accepted and embraced my faults. Turning fifty and the menopause has been tough, I've not had an easy ride, but I'm hoping things will calm as I approach sixty. I embrace the invisibility (lack of unwanted male attention is such a relief), the grey hair and wrinkles are humbling, but they are a sign I have lived. My father died when he was 53, his parents died when they were in their late 30's. I am lucky to have made it this far, and despite the aches, stiffness and waning energy, I hope to survive a few more decades yet!
Menopause Is not an easy ride. I hit it at 54 and I feel like my body is falling appart. Knees, back you name it. The invisibility is nice. It's a phenomenon that I've started to notice
I had grandparents that lived to 100 and well into their 90s. Not my parents though My dad only had a few years left when he was my age and that hits. My mom past at 74 old, but not really especially since both of her parents lived to be 99 and 100
I gives you a whole new take on life, doesn't it?
It certainly does! I remember I was relieved when I got passed the age my dad died, but also felt sad at just how young he was and how little of life he had lived, although at least he did live it fully, without fear (I suspect that came from losing his parents at 16, in the Blitz, and nearly losing his life, too). My mother has never been confident, and always over cautious. It's often felt like the wrong parent died, that he would have made more of the time than she has. That probably sounds terrible, and I guess we all live life the best we can. I myself am torn between grabbing every opportunity, like my dad, with a side order of caution, like mum. Seems I've spent my life trying to be more like him and trying as hard as possible not to be like her, but it's amazing how much you subconsciously absorb as a child, and she was the main parent. But this is a whole other topic I've meandered into!
Joints and other body aches, OMG yes!
I've always kind of wondered if the boohoo I'm 30 comments are also a low key way of insulting older women... Anyways I didn't think I'd live past 27, I couldn't conceptualize not being absolutely miserable but it turns out the older and further away I get from my childhood the more amazing life is. It does feel strange sometimes to think that I've been alive for 43 years so far but I'm also soooo glad and I'm enjoying it immensely
Yep. When I turned 40 I remember just thinking, “I can’t believe I’m still here AND I am happy to be here”. 🩵
73 going on 74. Life just keeps getting better and better. Not because I don't "look old" but because I am free of the belief that youth and looking young are really what makes one happy. To all the women here that are getting older...at that means YOU...do not waste your precious time trying to "preserve" your outside. Instead, I suggest living fully in each moment. There are only so many of them granted to you in this earthly life. Every day is a blessing, and every breath a miracle.
36 sounds young to me now at 41. i’ve been feeling SO mentally different than how i felt even 6 months ago. its like a different galaxy, even for someone like me who was still wilin at 37!
i’m single and never aimed for a kids-and-family lifestyle. it was around 35 when i started noticing the lack of representation of single, 30+ women in pop culture. it's almost disturbing that shows are mainly about people in their 20s and as we age we're forced to relive this part of our lives like a neverending nostalgia trap. but i refuse to be shuffled into obscurity for the comfort of the patriarchy. to hell with that noise! but just so they know, i'm a woman of color and I Feel GOOD About My Neck (lol no shade to Nora Ephron).
Your writing is always so engaging and full of life. I’m glad to see you taking on this topic. I’m 46 now and for years when I have a birthday I find that other women around me will say something like “turning 29 right?” Nah bitch, I’m 46. Let’s let ourselves age!
I like the title. Standing on the precipice of 60, let me assure you, life only gets better and better.
I healthier, happier and less concerned with what anyone thinks.
My younger years were wasted trying to please the men in my life.
Now, I spend my time with people I like, doing what I want. It’s a beautiful life.
This is such a beautiful essay - you have such a gorgeous way with words. I’ve recently had two parents die at an early age of awful diseases, and nothing brings home what a privilege getting older and living is than seeing life snatched away from those you love.
My favorite cousin died in her early thirties more than a couple years ago at this point of an undetected heart issue and it definitely helped with my perspective on aging. Loved ones dying young is heavy and disorienting. But it does lead to hopefully a more clarifying perspective on the only life we have.
“This isn’t to say I don’t have fears around aging. They just have nothing to do with my looks or how many wrinkles I’ve garnered in the last year.”
Very refreshing to read. Thank you for the wonderful piece!